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sidewalkflight1
02 February 2006 @ 01:35 am
What is it about me that makes me so untrusting? It's not like I'm the only person in the world that's been hurt, yet in the darkest points of my misery, I truely believe that I have the deepest scars. And everyone knows what happens when you reopen wounds--they swell--I can't stop thinking about the throbbing--I'm so mad at whoever ripped my skin open and let the feeling out--I tried so hard to close the holes and keep those things supressed--And look at me now--Not healthy--Definitely not strong--I'll never forget it ever, ever again.
And this will be the third time that I've been stepped on, and stupidly get up again, ready to be knocked down for a final time. And I've been trying to think of excuses for why I'm still here and why he's keeping me, but the only reasons I can come up with don't satisfy.
I haven't been taking my pills and they're causing me to see things and it's crazy. I went to the park last night and was terrified the whole time because I kept seeing people that my friends didn't see. Nessa said that it was because everyone has different levels of sensitivity; apparently I'm overly sensitive. I need pills to make me stop analyzing.
I HATE MY MEDICINE
I HATE WITHDRAWL
I COULD HONESTLY CRY RIGHT NOW...
I CAN'T TYPE ANYMORE/I CAN'T WRITE/I CAN'T BELIEVE IN YOU ANYMORE BECAUSE I CAN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING AT ALL.
 
 
Current Mood: cynicalcynical
Current Music: Ashlee Simpson :: I Am Me
 
 
sidewalkflight1
01 February 2006 @ 04:13 am


Your True Birth Month Is August









Sauve

Romantic

Attractive

Observant

Loves to joke

Easily jealous

Easily angered

Learns to relax

Loves to dream

Thirsty for praise

Loving and caring

Brave and fearless

Extraordinary spirit

Careful and cautious

Independent thoughts

Angry when provoked

Loves to make friends

Sensitive but not petty

Too generous and egoistic

Takes high pride of oneself

Loves to lead and to be led

Thinks quickly and rationally

Knows how to console others

Poor resistance against illnesses

Firm and has leadership qualities

Talented in the arts, music and self defense



 
 
Current Mood: curiouscurious
Current Music: Neko Case :: Ghost Wiring
 
 
sidewalkflight1
31 January 2006 @ 07:58 pm
Dating StrengthsDating Weaknesses
1. Appearance - 100%
2. Flirtiness - 100%
3. Sense of Humor - 85.7%
4. Confidence - 77.8%
5. Varied Interests - 71.4%
1. Vanity - 91.7%
2. Arrogance - 62.5%
3. Negative Reputation - 55.6%
4. Selfishness - 54.5%
5. Pessimism - 50%


Dating Strengths Explained
Appearance - Despite what some will say, appearance matters in dating. You get high marks on appearance. Just make sure you balance it out with other qualities.
Flirtiness - Flirting is a good way to break the ice, and you are a pro at it. Being flirtatious will open up many dating opportunities.
Sense of Humor - Guys are attracted to people with a good sense of humor. Be sure to put yours on display!
Confidence - You are sure of yourself and confident of your abilities. Displays of confidence go a long way when attracting a date.
Varied Interests - You don't limit yourself, and that's a dating asset. Your varied interests make you available and interesting to a wider range of guys.

Dating Weaknesses Explained
Vanity - Learn to put a lower priority on looks. Appearance is, of course, important, but vanity is undesireable. The only people you will attract are the superficial.
Arrogance - You are a bit full of yourself. You need to practice a little humility now and then, as arrogance can be a turn-off.
Negative Reputation - Your reputation may be working against you. Sometimes this is impossible to control, but try to counter-act it by presenting yourself in positive ways.
Selfishness - You think too much of yourself and your needs. You must learn to put your partner first and tend to his needs.
Pessimism - Too much cynicism can be a turn-off. Try to see the brighter side of things and people will be attracted to your positive outlook.

Dating Strengths and Weaknesses Quiz by Dating Diversions
 
 
Current Mood: cheerfulcheerful
Current Music: Joss Stone :: Doncha Wanna Ride
 
 
sidewalkflight1
29 January 2006 @ 11:22 pm
1: My roommate always happens to be in the room when I want privacy. When I want to be in the room with Brett, she's always like, "Well, I'm going to bed now", even when it's like 10pm. And when she has her boyfriend over in the room, and I want to go to bed, it's like I can't say anything. It makes me really mad that she basically owns OUR room...and acts so nonchalant whenever I ask if she's sleeping in the room. It's almost as if now that I have a boyfriend, she's trying to foil my efforts to have him in the room. And it really pisses me the hell off.
And now I'm not sure if I want to room with her anymore next year. If I make that decision, I need to tell her and then decide who I do want to room with...which is tough. I almost think I would get along better rooming with a guy, but I don't think that could be arranged. I kind of wondered about rooming with Cassie, but then I realized that I would be sexiled ALL THE TIME. But then again, I would want somebody who would understand if I wanted to fuck in my room. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I also think that I really pissed off Autumn tonight at the end of Grey's Anatomy. I called Dr. (Female) Shepherd a bitch, and she was like "blah blah blah tone it down blah blah blah..." And I was like "da da da who cares" Whatever I said, she was really mad and stormed off. I went and sat next to Desiree on the floor and started doing my silent laugh thing where I laugh silently for like 4758237 hours and then start to gasp for breath. I almost felt bad about laughing except she was really annoying me. Hmm.

grades parents brett being annoyed with everybody Uncle Same Grandma voice lessons roommate situation laundry prairie advocate poetry submission my kidneys crying rape not being able to come back to Cornell this year getting in shape girls being korean boys are stupid drinking lack of respect being ignored Being Ignored BEING IGNORED.
 
 
Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
 
 
sidewalkflight1
29 January 2006 @ 06:47 pm
So I have now dropped 2 classes in a row, making me no longer a full-time student. My mom's already called 4 or 5 times (at least) checking in on me, making sure I haven't gone crazy or done myself any harm. I don't know why I keep doing this--showing my weaknesses, fitting proposed molds of myself--it just gives them all the more reason to put me in a box and never let me go. Gee, I really can't wait for block break, when I can go home, be treated like a baby. "Oh, Shawna's just a silly little girl who can't do anything alone." "All she cares about is shopping, eating, and self-indulgences that will give her diabetes and eat away her limbs." "She's never drank, done drugs, had sex, swore, missed church.....until we let her go to college." Nobody here understands how it is to have a path already set before you, a path you have no desire to follow. Maybe I do want to follow it, but I want to take a few scenic detours along the way. It's not like I'm pressed for time or anything.
Oh yes, on a lighter note, Autumn now thinks that I've peed my pants in over 498436294 places on campus and is thouroughly disgusted with me. I just love it when people crinkle their noses and glance at you with that sideways eye...like today in Sodexho when I said in a Darth Vader voice, "I AM YOUR GRANDMA." And proceeded to stuff a hamburger into my mountain dew.
It was while dancing in the rain last night that I decided that time really does pause for me. I think it was the way the rain slid on my skin and how cool the bricks felt on my feet...but suddenly my life was asleep. Definitely wonderful. I'm glad it doesn't rain every day here, or else it wouldn't be so special. I'd grow immune to raindance happiness or something.

I'VE NEVER...
I've never had a boyfriend of my same race.
I've never eaten cereal for breakfast.
I've never been to Minnesota.
I've never been camping.
I've never done my own laundry.
I've never seen Star Wars.
I've never taken a high school physics class.
I've never changed a diaper.
I've never been in love.
I've never owned a boy-band CD.
I've never seen the movie "Gone in 60 Seconds"
I've never cried at a movie.
I'VE NEVER DIED.
 
 
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: Seal :: Love's Divine
 
 
 
sidewalkflight1
20 January 2006 @ 12:51 am
AND SO..the last few days of my life have been extremely chaotic and bizarre. I never got my stupid photos sent in, and by the looks of things I'm not gonna get my poems sent in either. Which sucks, because I have a really good chance of getting my shit published. I can't seem to prioritize lately--I've been staying up all night with my friends and falling asleep in class. I think every day this week I've just laid my head down on the desk and slept. It wouldn't be so bad, but I'm in the front row, right in the middle. Poor professor, he must feel horribly boring.
Me and Brett went to Panera, which is one of my favorite restaurants. Then we saw Hostel which was honestly the most fucked up movie I've seen in my life. I was so grossed out/enthralled/scared shitless that I curled up in his lap and buried my face in his neck. KINDA AWKWARD.
Desiree and Cassie are really upset about this guy Joe...and I feel really bad. I mean, I know how it feels to like someone who totally doesn't like you back...but it's impossible to just stop liking them. It's torture. But what's worse is that the whole situation is making them both feel unattractive, both physically and psychologically. Which isn't true..they're both very cute girls with sweet personalities!! It pisses me off when guys think they have the right to flirt with a girl, lead her to believe that he likes her, but just ditch her out of nowhere. Some people just don't have feelings. That's why I think a lot of people do drugs n shit...maybe to cover up emotions that they don't want to surface. I don't really do drugs really...I find other ways to cover up my emotions. Such as playing the piano (which I've gotten really good at, by the way), taking long walks at night, eating (I've gotten rather large), or exercising.
I want to pull an allnighter and get up early in the morning to work out, take a shower and get ready n shit, but I'm so tired right now that it probably won't happen, which sucks. Because I didn't work out today, and I ate at Panera.
Welllll it seems that Desiree and Cassie have decided to go to sleep in the lounge and have turned off the lights. Veronica's not in her room and I loathe sleeping alone. It's just a thing.
 
 
Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted
Current Music: Mad World :: Roland Orzabal
 
 
sidewalkflight1
12 January 2006 @ 03:35 am
I have decided that I am going to pull an all-nighter. I don't know why...I think I just like to torture myself. I will go to the gym at like...7. Go back to shower and get ready for class (ie: finish homework) and go to breakfast. I really like that play. Hopefully I have enough willpower to execute it.
I really like my lab partner Kaylee. She is hilarious. We were studying in the library tonight and it really brightened my day.
Hmmm I just remembered that I never gave Brett his Christmas present. Hmm. Maybe I should be an asshole and give it to the homeless. ha.

the world will split open
daddy wasn't there
midnight dialogue
my heart's on my sleeve

The above sentence fragments are titles of some of my pictures I'm submitting to the Prairie Wind. Hmmm....that would require me to have their mailing address, which I do not posess. That's kind of a problem .

ARHHRHHHH my typing is blechhhh. You do not understand all the typos. I cannot think in this strange sorrow. HAHA my villanelle. I am seeing 2 of my compuer schreen. Maybe I need sleep. BUT I DONT WANNNAAAA.

I've taken time away to decide things. Tomorrow I will keep lounge presence to a minimum. Just because.
 
 
Current Mood: cynicalcynical
Current Music: Coldplay :: Yellow
 
 
sidewalkflight1
07 January 2006 @ 09:30 pm
Wow. This very possibly was the most unproductive break ever. I wanted to learn Amelie songs, lose weight, finish a puzzle with my mom, clean my room, learn chess, and get my voice back into shape. I didn't do anything. I was out the whole time, and when I was home, I was sleeping, or getting ready to go back out. And then that one week was spent throwing up. Seriously I didn't do anything. I think I got fatter, dumber and lazier.
I can't believe how excited I was to get back to school...now I'm nervous. I know that I need to get all A's and B's for the rest of the year to keep my scholarship, but I'm afraid I won't be able to motivate myself. I have so much crap to do, and so much to worry about.

**Things to do**

1) Study
2) Voice lessons--decide whether to keep taking them
3) Figure out where and when the following groups meet: Environmental Club, Science Interest Group
4) Call/email mom
5) Friends. I don't want to be completely void of a social life.
6) Send in photos and poems to Prairie Advocate!!

I hate to admit it, but I've grown accustomed to the luxury of home life and being waited on and such...and I'm not sure if I'm ready to go back to college where I won't have people to do things for me.
Gosh, I hope my stuff gets published, that will be something to brag about. Maybe.
 
 
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Current Music: Amelie Soundtrack
 
 
sidewalkflight1
03 January 2006 @ 09:14 pm
I feel so artsy today. I've successfully printed my favorite photos off the computer and am sending them in hopefully this week. And I'm really excited because I get to title all my pictures, and I can use really cool titles. YAY. I'm also supposed to submit poetry, but I'm in the process of writing a few more to send with the rest. I wish I had more of a "repertoire"; whenever I do poetry stuff I tend to reuse the same old ones.
I'm reading Uncle David's emails. He sent a copy of one that Aunt Ruthie wrote to him regarding Grandpa's estate..she's all like "Your audacity continues to amaze me..." and blah blah. Then she goes on to say how she'll do WHAT she wants with the estate WHEN she wants it, simply because she has power of attorney. What fucked up crazyass attorney gave her power? Huh? I haven't talked to her in 3 years, but I have a feeling that we'll be in contact soon. Grandma's ready to die any day now, and with funeral arrangements and the actual wake, funeral, etc, we'll definitely be in close proximity. Which scares the hell out of me, because I know she's resentful enough to say things that aren't nice. And I'm afraid that I'll start to cry, or yell all the swear words I know at her. It really hurts me to see my mom stressed out about her own sister...especially as her (their) mother is about to die. Aunt Ruthie acts like she's entitled, and if things don't work out in her favor, she gets mad and plays the victim. I'm venting here because I don't talk about this with mom, because I know it would upset her.
Anyways, we're going to see Grandma tomorrow. Mom thought it was a good idea because she doesn't think she'll be around this time next year...and it's just about the only time I don't have something planned. Hopefully sometime this week I'll be seeing "Memoirs of a Geisha" because I finished the book 2 days ago and LOVED IT...omigosh....the Lit Society should read that book. It's flippin sweet. Like peaches.
 
 
Current Mood: bitchybitchy
Current Music: Silverstein :: My Heroine
 
 
sidewalkflight1
02 January 2006 @ 06:53 pm
THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD (OTHER THAN THIS ONE):
1. ladylazarus09
2. soprano1shawna
3. stargirl_456

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. I always seem to smell good, even after I've been exercising...at least that's whay ppl tell me.
2. I'm definitely a master manipulator, and I'm a kickass liar. (so you better watchout)
3. I have an awesome wardrobe, makeup collection, and shoe collection. So totally a material girl!!

THREE THINGS YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. I'm so fucking shy and awkward.
2. One word: DYSLEXIA
3. I'm a Fatty McFatterson


THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. Korean
2. French
3. Swedish

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Rejection/Failure
2. Solitude
3. My 3 main phobias: CLOWNS, LINT, and EYES

THREE PEOPLE THAT HAVE MADE YOU CRY:
1. Mrs. Schneider
2. Robin
3. Friedl

THREE BIGGEST REGRETS:
1. Not taking Alg. II and Trig. my sophomore year
2. Wasting my time freshman year dating someone who could have cared less about me
3. Letting myself get fat

THREE RANDOM PLACES TO HAVE SEX:
1. On an inner-tube floating down the Amazon River
2. On the roof of Unity Christian High School
3. In the toy section of WalMat

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. My pills
2. Glasses
3. Music...I cannot drive in silence

THREE THINGS YOU'D NOT BE CAUGHT DEAD WEARING:
1. Ugg boots with a miniskirt (or simply a miniskirt. buhhh)
2. A poncho
3. Those baby tees from Abercrombie and such with whore-y things printed on them

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR ARTISTS AT THE MOMENT:
1. Vanessa Carlton
2. Hawthorne Heights
3. Rachael Yamagata

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
1. Cheers, Darlin' :: Damien Rice
2. At Last :: Etta James
3. Limp :: Fiona Apple

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. A good exercise routine; try to take some weight off
2. Maybe a serious relationship...maybe
3. Getting a job...ugh

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (Love is a given):
1. Laughter
2. Sex/Cuddling/Massages
3. Committment

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:
1. I know Mike Ditka
2. I have a disease that makes me go bald every 7 years
3. I was born with green eyes

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX OR SAME SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Availability. I hate those guys with a swarm of girl "friends"(aka admirers)...you can never tell if he's open for business, or if he's spoken for, or if he likes someone else.
2. Nice appearance. I like a guy who takes care of himself, but not too much.
3. Eyes--I'm a sucker for pretty eyes. Ahhh yes.

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. Understand why not wearing deodorant isn't a public offense.
2. Sing on key
3. Forget the past

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Foosball
2. Talking
3. Playing piano

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Play foosball
2. Spoon
3. I WANT A MOUNTAIN DEW DAMMIT!

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. Writing environmental and energy laws for Congress
2. Lawyer
3. Prostitute. Just kidding...probably an engineer, or scientist of some sort.

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Paris
2. Greece
3. Venice

THREE KID'S NAMES:
1. Cameron
2. Reese
3. Drew

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Be famous (or infamous)
2. Travel to each of the continents (except Antarctica, cuz it's cold there, and no shopping)
3. Compile a huge book of poetry...1 poem for every person I know
 
 
Current Mood: blahblah
Current Music: Fall Out Boy :: Dance, Dance