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31 December 2005 @ 06:27 pm
So I am spending my New Years Eve with the girls at the Fulton Lanes cosmic bowling. Actually, I think a few of the guys like Matt Heid and Dan Martinez might come, which may or may not be awkward...but it should be a good time. Kelsey's really excited about the appetizers and door prizes. Hopefully Laura will be back from Wisconsin in time to bowl with us. Then we're spending the night at Betsy's and I'll go home sometime tomorrow and finish my book. I'm hoping to finish "Memoirs of a Geisha" by sometime next week, then me and Laura can go with my mom to see the movie. Hmm, Schuler never called me back to get together. That sucks; we were gonna race or something.
I hate it when my dad walks in the computer room while I'm typing my diary on here and stands behind me and says something all of a sudden and scares me. Even though I'm not writing anything extremely private, I'd prefer if nobody stood behind me while I typed. I feel like I'm being evaluated or watched, which I hate.
I wish I was Lenni from the PBS "Ghostwriter" series. She has such a cool musical dad, she writes music, she's got this boho-chic look goin on, she sings, she's intelligent, and all the boys like her.
RARRRRRRR I can't wait to go back to school..........
Current Mood: lethargiclethargic
Current Music: Senses Fail :: Martini Kiss
27 December 2005 @ 07:34 pm
My sad little villanelle is finished. For the time being, anyway. The main idea came off just as I had planned. I love how my poems always have 2 or 3 clear-cut meanings. At face value, they are just plain reality with no symbolism involved. If you look deeper there's either a religious/cosmic or romantic meaning. And I am happy. YES.
Oh yes, and I started on another one tonight; I wrote it surprisingly fast. As of now it's called "Perceptions of a mad girl" and it's about this creepy basement where bodies are kept, and angels traveling in streams of light are really psycho doctors that try to rape and silence me. And I'm saying that we can't turn on the lights in the basement because the angels will take me to the doctor and get my head checked out, and they will know how crazy I am. And there it has the double meaning of an actual basement, but also my mind and heaven/hell shit. Poetry is the shizzats, yo.
I am going shopping in the Quad Cities with Dyke and Laura tommorow! I think I have 48346284792357 dollars in gift cards, which makes me happy because I am poor.
I am also getting sooo much better at chess. I was using my queen to do some crazy shit on that board. My queen had dad's rook and bishop running for the hills! Of course, I'll still lose, but that's okay.
I love Dan Maschka.
Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
Current Music: Senses Fail :: Buried a Lie
26 December 2005 @ 12:49 am
My deodorant is made from 12% aluminum chloride. It's powerful stuff; it's the shizzats yo.

So I have come to a conclusion about LIFE. I've really been slacking lately...getting fat and ugly, shitty work ethic, shitty friend. Well that's all about to change. I've dicked around for all of 4th block, and 5th block will be awesomely different. Study every night. Go to the workout place every other day. Crunches every night. Actually be nice to my friends. OH YEAH.

I've also decided that boys are really not imperative to a girl's life. I can go on perfectly fine unattached; it's not like my "image" will be tarnished. And if he doesn't like me because I'm like his sister, too good of a friend, ugly, fat, etc...then it's his loss, right? ERR.

I like awkward silences. Cuz they're not awkward to me, but they are to everybody else. They're like "...yeahhh, so how 'bout them Cubs?...." IT'S FUCKING AWESOME. Whenever I have the chance, I create awkardness in a room. I'm good at it, too. I could make a living.

Hmm. Katie and Aunt Ruthie didn't send me a present this year. I wonder if it's because they hate me, or THEY HATE ME. What pisses me off is that we never did anything. They just don't like my parents, and why should I suffer? I almost wish I could still be "friends" with them...but it's not worth betraying my parents. It's like the Capulets and the Montagues, except nobody dies. Haha.

Oh yeah, when you dream that your life is a big-ass chess board, and all your life's dilemmas are pawns, rooks, queen, etc, then YOU'VE BEEN PLAYING TOO MUCH CHESS. And I have. I am friggin addicted to that game man.

God, I miss college. :(
Current Mood: determineddetermined
Current Music: Charlotte Martin :: Wild Horses
24 December 2005 @ 08:33 pm
I have decided that I hate humanity. When do you know when a person is sincere or not? I know that I shouldn't change things about myself to gain acceptance, but I think it's human nature to do it. I'm always afraid that I smell or that I'm fat or I'm ugly and people are judging me and talking behind my back. I dread going to adult social functions like benefit suppers and church simply because of my fear of making small talk. People not returning shopping carts, driving badly, staring at me...little petty things that lead me to the conclusion that humans are awful creatures.
Hmm. Hardly anyone was at the Christmas Eve church service. Me, Mom and Dad were pretty much all alone in the front part of the church. It pisses me off so much how everyone sits in the back and refuses to sit in the front pews. Pastor Mark has gotten 2 DUIs since he's been at our church. Which is really strange--because generally when I think of pastors I think of people who don't drink at all.
Speaking of drinking, I called Brett tonight. Man was that awkward. There was a lot of background noise, and I always feel guilty when I call someone when they're busy. I called Autumn earlier and it totally didn't sound like her on the phone so I hung up right away. I would be so embarassed if it was someone saying they were Autumn just to make fun of me. I don't have Desiree, Erin or Phil's numbers...I guess I'll just have to facebook them.
Yay. I beat dad at chess!
Current Mood: gloomygloomy
Current Music: Jill Scott :: Family Reunion
24 December 2005 @ 12:52 am
I was watching "Friends" earlier. It was the episode where Monica's employees at the restaurant were picking on her to the extreme...writing "Bitch" on her chef's hat and shit. And it made me depressed because that's EXACTLY how I'm treated, like at school and stuff. People will say shit to me that really makes me feel bad, but I'm so damn nice that I can't do anything about it. It's like people like Megan, when she wrote over Veronica's sign in the lounge. And if I did anything to that magnitude to offend Megan, she would bitch me out. I really like my sweet, docile personality, but it wouldn't hurt once in a while to be able to stand up for myself. I'm just so freaking worried that people won't like me that I end up not opening up to my friends. It really sucks, because none of them really know me. They know little pieces of me, you know, random shit like: my dad's in the oil business and I have money, I have a disease that makes my fingernails fall off, I like math, I'm going to law school, blah blah blah. But who really knows ME? Before break, I thought that Brett kind of did...after all he DID score highest on my little quiz thingy. But I just got to thinking...I don't even talk to Brett that often. I mean, we cuddle every once in while, and that's great, but I wouldn't feel right saying that I really KNOW him. I don't know. He's probably one of the people in our little group whom I know the best, but I certainly haven't been a good friend to anybody. Hmm.
Sometimes I get really paranoid that people have my livejournal address and are reading my journal, even though this is my private one. Like, there's so much I want to say but I can't say it because I'm scared.
Oh get this...I dyed my hair purple and orange!!! Maybe bold hair will make up for a wimpy personality.
Current Mood: melancholymelancholy
Current Music: Neko Case :: I Wish I Was The Moon
23 December 2005 @ 07:47 pm
This is NOT a merry Christmas.
-I lost my cell phone and I can't tell my mom because she'll be angry.
-The boy I like definitely doesn't like me at all.
-My favorite uncle is dying of cancer and I'll never see him again.
-My grandma is dying of alzheimer's and I have to go see her this break. (makes me sad..)
-My mom is giving me the "what are you going to do with your life?" lecture.
-I have the stomach flu and puked all over myself at the beauty parlor.
NOT a merry Christmas.

But I found out today that I have a pretty good opportunity to be published (both photography and writing) through this thing that a local community college does for Northern Illinois artists. And I've been beating my brains out trying to decide what to send in. MUAHAHA I can't wait to go back to the creative writing club and be like "yo bitches...i got published"

Now I shall find out how to write a damn villanelle.
Current Mood: nauseatednauseated
Current Music: Vanessa Carlton :: Papa
14 December 2005 @ 10:24 am
So I have been trying to write this blasted poem for 5 days now. I don't even have a first line. I have the title, which is subsequently the last line...but that's pretty much it. Oh yes, I've decided that I want some hardcore alliteration at the beginning, and I want to use swear words. Which is a big thing for me; usually I keep the profanity out of my poetry, but not this time. This one's "fuck" "bitch" "whore" "slut" galore. RAAAARGH.
I have suddenly taken a very strong interest in learning the violin. I was super pleased when Cady said she would bring her violin back and teach me some chords and shit.
OOh yes, I am so totally going to use my parents' credit card to buy shit on the internet. Muahaha I'm an evil bitch like that.
I'm trying to decide what I want my poem to be about. The title is "...and all is quiet now". I want to embody something like the end of a storm...and there are various ways I could do it.
ONE) Death, and a reminiscent, bittersweet rememberance of life.
TWO) A release from an unhealthy relationship
THREE) Death as an escape
FOUR) The lone soldier left on a battlefield smeared with bodies.
FIVE) Loss of free will; loss of voice; loss of opinion; loss of desiring to have one's own way.
SIX) Reunion with someone from the past (ie birthmother); and a quieting of confusion
There are so many different facets to 5 little words and 3 dots. Sometimes I wish there was only black and white; no way to possibly be confused ever again. That would take choosing out of the picture, which I think would make my life easier. And plus I would know things for sure, which would definitely be a luxury...cuz there's nothing worse than not knowing for sure. And faith only goes so far.
Current Mood: cheerfulcheerful
Current Music: Vanessa Carlton :: Annie
12 December 2005 @ 12:16 am
ERRR I haven't been taking my pills and I am going slightly mad. I am all out of socks, so I have to reuse dirty socks. And I have no money to do laundry...except like 10K in my bank account. I could change that into cash if I was fucking MAGICAL. Apparently there are banks where people will do it for you, but I honestly don't know how. And I don't have friends with cars (or friends period, and this godforsaken stupid college...) to drive me. I'd walk but I'm not accustomed to physical exertion. Usually my people will just take me places, but there really are no servants' quarters here. Bah. I really should work on being more personable and not quite so lazy...but I'm just too lazy to work at it.

I am most definitely failing Latin. I can't believe my broccoli teacher had the balls to tell me "Oh don't worry. You're doing better than some of the people in the class!" YEAH SURE...the one guy who shows up half of the time and sleeps through class...that's a real confidence booster there. The girl who studies her ass off is doing 1 percent better than the guy who does JACKSHIT.

Nobody knows who any of my favorite artists are. I've decided that from now on when people ask who my favorite musicians are I will say BACKSTREET BOYS, BRITNEY SPEARS, SIMPLE PLAN and JESSICA SIMPSON...all people/groups that have been so sadly overpopularized that you'd be stupid not to know who they are. I'm just so sick of people never knowing who my favies are that I'm just going to sink to their uncultured levels of musical knowledge.

I must decide on college for next year. Provided that I don't return to this godforsaken college. MMMM shall rattle off random colleges. Northwestern, Sarah Lawrence, Loyola Chicago, University of Chicago, Bard, Boston College...arrgh. Maybe I should just drop out of the school/money/business/law/competition/stress world and live with my parents doing menial tasks for small sums of weekly money. Hmm.
Current Mood: angryangry
Current Music: Rachael Yamagata :: Quiet
10 December 2005 @ 02:44 pm
My Latin teacher looks like a floret of broccoli. I'm trying to drop the stupid class because I'm failing miserably...but he's like "Oh you're doing so much better than a lot of the kids in this class..." WTF mate. I don't care if half the class is failing worse than me; I care that I'M failing. To me, anything below a B- is unacceptable, not to mention an F or D. I've gotten some seriously shitty grades...1 C- test, 1 quiz 3/14, 1 quiz 2/20, 1 quiz 9/12. And my homework assignments and Latin story are surely shitty as well. My Latin story turned out to be the dumbest religion finding Christ story ever. It was titled, "Quintus finds religion when a band of wild midgets set fire to his dog." No joke. I have emailed my advisor to see if I could drop the class...I felt like I practically begged her, partly because she scares the bejeeebers out of me. ERR I MUST GET OUT OF THIS CLASS..

So lately these random Asian people have beeen emailing me and IMing me...I think it's simply because I said that I had visited Korea and that I am Asian. I hate the Asian stereotype of being mathy, obsessed with money and power, computer geeks, short and very unsexy (at least asian guys.) But all these crazy peeps IMing me seem to be very computer geeky, they type (in broken english or course) about their Dungeons and Dragons shit, that stupid little kiddish anime crap, and how much they like math...almost as much as me. But then they are always on MSN and whenever I get on I click "appear offline", cuz I don't want to block them and feel like a bitch. This one guy actually said that I was his "first american girlfriend." He wishes muahaha.

I am in the lounge right now and Megan, Nessa, James and Cady are watching Lord of the Rings II. I think Lord of the Rings belongs in the same category as Star Wars, Star Trek, all anime, and Harry Potter (except I like Harry Potter). Anyhoo, I'm listening to music and humming out loud and I bet that anytime Megan will yell at me...cuz that's how it goes. She's mixing up this nasty shit that makes me want to stick my face in James' armpit just to cover up one bad smell with a really bad smell. Haha. This lounge fucking stinks.

OK, so I have been seeing weird things lately. I was in SodexHo and I saw a poinsettia ON FIRE. I saw like 946294 comets fly through the dining area. I was sitting in class the other day and I saw a bird as big as a house fly by the window. Last night I was staring at a wall and all of a sudden a shadow of a TV appeared. A week ago in class I saw everybody turn green and vines started to grow out of them. I was playing foosball with Brett and he started to float away into a random cloud of pink smoke. IT VAS VIERD, JA.
Current Mood: weirdweird
Current Music: India.Arie :: Strength, Courage and Wisdom
05 December 2005 @ 02:05 pm
My hair is so purdy today, I just can't stop feeling it. And shaking my head like I'm in one of those shampoo commercials.
ERRR Latin test tomorrow and sooo not prepared. Non parata sum. I really should study, but that would be far too advantageous and time consuming. Practicality doesn't seem to be my thing this block. I think I've done the stupidest things and avoided doing the smartest things during 4th block. And plus I found out that I really have a temper when things don't go my way, even when I don't work for them. Like those bratty spoiled rich kids who whine when they don't get a Porsche for their 16th birthday. I honestly think that if I saw myself as a separate being I would be utterly repulsed.
AH I am in shitty mood. All I can think about is things I really don't like...and I'm making a list of them in my head...random things like boogers, know-it-alls, slow computers, periods, unsure people, aplogetic people, etc.
The List: ** Europe, girls who say they don't like a guy but really they do, boys in general, Latin, know-it-alls, chapped lips, colds, warm soda, weird accents, small glasses, wet socks, Mason Jennings, people who always apologize for random stupid things, eyeballs, classiness, music snobs, being ignored, really long hair, body odor, people who don't shower often enough, smelly couches, uneven foosball tables, glare on the TV, dust, lint between your toes, closed blinds on windows, cracked nailpolish, yellow teeth, acne, bad breath, socks with sandals, Ugg boots, slow computers, jammed printers, phone calls when I'm really busy, not knowing how others feel about you, a messy room, ANIME, country music, those yellow work shoes that guys wear with baggy jeans, things not happening according to plan, disorder, change, healthy food, too much meat, being expected to eat meat with everything, people lecturing me about my weight, trash, waiting for people, impersonal relationships, not getting mail, memorizing things, people with "high IQs", writer's block.
I'm attempting to start writing again, although it isn't going to be easy. I feel like I've been deadened, like I'm going through life sedated, only doing the most menial things like going to class, eating, sleeping, and occasionally hanging out with friends....never feeling, thinking, questioning...it's very challenging to bring blood back to those dead parts.
Current Mood: draineddrained
Current Music: Damien Rice :: Cold Water